Okay. We are now officially residents of Chester, NY. Today the dogs went bonkers barking from the windows. They used to do this when they saw deer, but there are so many deer, they basically don't pay any attention to them at this point. So Gary decided to see what they were barking at, and he said there was a bear in our front yard. I laughed at this, assuming that he saw a tree trunk or the neighbor's dog (who is as big as a bear). However, a few minutes later, he said, "Look in the brush. There is the bear." I scuttled right over to the window, and lo and behold, there were TWO huge bears (by the time this info hits my Christmas letter, those bears will be bigger than King Kong, but for now they were probably about 200 to 300 pounds--plenty big enough to eat me for lunch and the dogs for dessert) meandering through our yard. They wandered around for a bit, then headed up Fields Lane, then came back and wandered around in our yard again (they have probably identified our yard as THE place to be in 2008) and headed back up the road. Gary and I had returned from a walk about an hour earlier. Huh. No more walks in the wilderness for this writer.
Due to my highly scientific nature, I immediately headed to the computer to research bear encounters. I googled "What should I do if I encounter a black bear?" and spent the next 30 minutes developing a family safety plan. Tomorrow I am hitting the outdoor and sports stores, with a side trip to CVS to buy first aid equipment just in case my plan of protection fails. (Of course, you could point out here that if my plan fails there probably won't be enough of me left to apply first aid to, but let's not go there just yet...) Anyway, if I encounter a bear (and assuming that the loss of bodily secretions from every orifice I own doesn't cause me to faint from sudden dehydration), I learned that I should remain calm (HUH! Like that's going to happen) and if the bear hasn't seen me, I should back slowly (HUH again) away from the bear, staying downwind. If I am upwind or the bear has already seen me, however, I am instructed to make myself as big as possible (right, the only time being big has ever been beneficial and they tell me AFTER I've lost 60 pounds), putting my arms out and once again backing slowly away and talking calmly to the bear (ostensibly so the bear will recognize that I am human and therefore not a snack). If the bear persists in viewing me as snack material and begins advancing in my direction, I am directed not to run (HUH). Instead I am to remain calm but begin flailing my arms (this part will not be difficult) and making as much noise as I possibly can. Normally, of course (though this may surprise you), I am quite capable of making lots of noise. With my luck, and with my dehydrated body, should I encounter a bear, I will probably not be able to make a sound (and even if I remember not to run, I'll probably slip in my bodily secretions as I back slowly (HUH) away from the bear. I am instructed to climb a tree if possible. (By "if possible" I think they meant if there were suitable trees available. I don't think they envisioned me trying to hoist my tuckus up the apple tree in the front yard. I will thank you not to envision that either.) Oh yes, and I am not supposed to make eye contact with the bear. (Eye contact--are they nuts?!! If I ever meet a bear, I will forget I even HAVE eyes!!!!)
By this time tomorrow I will have the Page family safety kits in working order. I will leave the house with air horn in hand, whistle in my mouth, running shoes on my feet, and my Finnish pukko (fighting knife) strapped to my side. I might even get me a gun, although with a gun I would probably present more of a danger to self and other humans than to the bears. I might also bring a pot and wooden spoon for some extra noise-making capacity, and I think I will also slick myself up with something that smells particularly non-foodlike. Your suggestions as to what smells might repel bears are most welcome.
Of course, I haven't yet figured out how fast I can run from the front door to the car, but I'm willing to bet I'll be pretty damn fast. And tomorrow morning Gary has to put the garbage in the trunk and drive it to the end of Fields Lane. I bet he'll put it in the car faster than he ever has before. I wonder what time bears go to bed/wake up. I hope they don't eat him.
So think of me slipping from house to car like a little (non-foodlike) shadow, and keep your fingers crossed that bears don't like to eat middle-aged women. If nothing else, all the stress will probably knock off a couple more pounds. Maybe I'll make a documentary about living with the bears in Chester, NY. I bet you all wish you could live here, too. Maybe some day your luck will turn!
Kathy